ASSALAMUALAYKUM

BELOW IS AN EDITED VERSION OF THE ARTICAL WE READ OUT ON THE SATURDAY MORNING MARRIAGE PROGRAMME.IT SURELY HAS CAUSED A STIR IN THE COMMUNITY.MANY ENJOYED IT OTHERS WERE LIVID.REMEMBER AS WE MENTIONED ON THE PROGRAMME,WE ARE NOT SUGGESTING THAT WOMEN SHOULD NOT PREPARE IN ADVANCE AND WE DEFINITELY APPRECIATE THEIR EFFORTS,BUT ITS THE PROCESS THAT SOMETIMES BECOMES QUIET FUNNY.(COURTESY MUHAMMAD MAYET)

SULAIMAAN




So the
fasting month approaches and everyone prepares themselves.. In their
various ways..But the main event occurs within the confines of 4
walls.. All secretive and cunning.. The
Kitchen…

Thats
right.. For many years i have been around aunties and poyrees that base the focus on the fast on
making savouries for the month.. I swear.. People do that.. I
like to hear the tales and fables of these aunties.. 3 to 4 months
before hand.. The aunty goes to Pick n Pay.. She buys Philo pastry
(box load), she then goes to stock up on 40’s and 50’s chinese
spring roll pastry.. She will then go to United Butcher and buy
120kg’s of chicken fillet, she will send her MAGGIMIX for a service
and blades for sharpening.. Then she is ready for
war..

First up
– Planning Phase.. Yes.. This is like a System Development Life
Cycle .. She lays out her battle plan.. She draws out a list of
potential targets.. The common ones are normally, samoosa’s, spring
rolls, mama’s pies, moons, mince rolls and the list can go on.. The
commander in chief aka house wife carefully drafts her menu… Splits
her ammo accordingly.. Which entails.. Slowly splitting the meat in
accordance of quota.. Thats right.. Kitchen Quota system.. Our rugby
coach must learn quota system from the Kitchen Aunty’s.. xx amount
meat for 60 doz samoosas.. x amount for 20 doz spring rolls.. etc
etc.. Then its all planned.. This planning phase takes around 2
weeks.. DO NOT interfere or mess with the gameplan.. Repercussions
are, u wont get supper and will be scolded
at..

Next up..
The implementation phase.. In this phase the gruesome labor is
done.. The beecharaw MAGGI MIX machine is put through its paces..
Making fillet into mince.. Its primary job description.. From the
morning till the evening.. Its like walking into Willy Wonka’s
chocolate factory just before easter.. Now in this phase there are
golden rules.. And they MUST BE ADHERED TO
ALWAYS..

DO NOT
TELL ANYONE you are engaged in making savouries..

Thats
right.. Its the number 1 cardinal sin.. NO ONE must know what u up
to.. If Bibi Foi from Bronkhorspruit calls u and u in the middle of
putting lei (pronounced lay) on the pur to make it stick, u will
drop that particualr samoosa.. Let it be a martyr in the war.. U
will answer the phone and tell Bibi Foi when she asks wat u doin
that u just deciding wat to cook for supper and then gonna go look
for linen for ur poyree Yumna’s room at the Plaza.. NO WORD of wat u
making.. No ONE must know.. Its like fight club.. No one talks about
it.. But its there..

NEVER
PROVIDE CORRECT INFO IN A STATUS MEETING

Aunties
always do this in small groups.. Like 3 aunties will start at the
same time.. Like Team Astrada at the Tour de France.. U know, the
pelaton.. They work together.. Then every nyt they will call each
other for a status update.. Aunty 1 will say she made 21 dozen
(meanwhile she made 11), Aunty 2 will say she made 24 (just to be
modestlybetter meanwhile she made 10) and Aunty 3, the wanna be
Lance Armstrong will say, ooh noo, my daughter in law from Lesley
came and we worked round the clock and we finished 34 dozen becos
she knows her way in the kitchen (meanwhile this aunty paid aunty
Poppy, the india aunty R20 a dozen filling fees to do it).. Thats
how they roll (literally)

NEVER
SAY U DONE
When an
aunty is done, she tells NO ONE, she is done.. She makes it seem
like she is oh so very behind.. And oh so not prepared.. Meanwhile
her DEFY chest freezer is more stocked than Homemade Delights.. She
just plays the throwing a tantrum card and acts like nix is done..
Meanwhile, her armoury is locked and loaded..

The final
phases are Testing and Feedback.. This means that you will get
samples for lunch every 2nd day to test the quality of the pur, the
masala content, the dhana jeero ratio in accordance to the filling,
the various chutney options etc etc… Lots of trial and error.. In
this phase, lots of Heinz Tomato Sauce, 5l oil, Mrs Balls Chutney
and Whole Red chillies are bought.. Just for touch ups and
stuff..

Once all
of this is done, the battle begins, first fast comes and at sunset
on the first fast, the spoils of war are dished out.. Cholestrol
levels are flying thru the ceiling but no one complains.. A month
later, Dr Haneef is only signing off high-blood and cholestrol
prescriptions.. And ppl wonder why.. open your chest freezer
Thats why.. Next year… The process all begins
again…